Friday, July 4, 2014

It’s been like, months upon months since I’ve written up an update on my life. I think one of the reasons why is that because I’ve had such a crazy year that I didn’t really want to talk about it much. But I’m starting to grow tired of just reblogging shit on this all day and not making this blog about me whatsoever, which kind of defeats the purpose, since well, its a blog.

An update on my past few months:

First semester junior year was the shittiest semester of my life. My life was just filled to the brim with drama, and I spent every day crying over my ex, or this guy I liked, or these guys who liked me but I didnt like, or friendships going sour. I had a really light homework load that semester and instead of doing anything productive with my free time I just was bored and depressed a lot. The semester pretty much ended with me having kind of a mental breakdown. My good friend Zoe refers to this semester as the semester were I was “legitimately a crazy person. Like actually crazy.” which is accurate.

Second semester junior year I just needed to repair my broken, dying soul. So I studied abroad and went to Florence, Italy for a semester. I packed up and said goodbye to all of the people and situations that were driving me insane and shut the door on them, promising that that was the end of all of that and I will never return to that life. The semester in Florence was pretty much all about myself, learning to be content with life, focusing on creating art, and getting away from any drama whatsoever. I was so at peace there and spent my days seeing beautiful art, staring out onto the beautiful moonlit Arno river, travelling to all these different countries, and eating food so delicious it could heal any broken, dying soul. That being said, I did not make many friends in Italy. I can probably count them all on one hand. Which made things lonely there at times, but to be honest, it was exactly what I needed. My life had always been so intertwined with other people’s that a semester pretty much just by myself really helped me. My time in Italy might probably have been the most stress-free I’ll ever be in my life.

I came back to the United States at the beginning of Summer 2014 (now) and was terrified that I would be returning to the same shitty problems that I had left. The remnants of things are still there, and I still have to deal with this person and that person sometimes, but nothing is unmanageable anymore. I feel like I’ve definitely gotten my spark back and I’m actually really happy and content with my life now. When I got back home the first thing I needed to do was look for summer jobs, so I sent my application to a buttload of places. The only two places who got back to me were this guy who wanted me to take some photos of events he hosted (I said yes and do this on some weekends), and Frederator Studios, the cartooning studio that made Adventure Time, Bravest Warriors, Bee and Puppycat, The Fairly Odd Parents, etc. To give some context: this is literally my dream. When people asked what my dream for the future was, I would say working in a cartoon studio, like Frederator Studios. So I went in for an interview nervous off my ass, and they called back the next week saying that I was accepted as an intern for their publishing division. It’s been the greatest internship I’ve ever had. The work is fun, but also challenging and rewarding. My boss is one of the nicest and smartest people I’ve ever met. And my coworkers are all fun to be around.

I’m excited for the future now. The future (life after college) used to scare me so much that I’d crawl into a ball in my bed and cry about it. But now college is a just one more year I need to make through for me to start the rest of my life. I think I actually have a promising future ahead of me, which is something I would’ve never said a year ago.

Oh, and I think I got out of my art block. The one that lasted like, 3 years. I think Italy kicked it out of me. I’ve actually been doodling pretty frequently, which has been fun: http://nikkissketchbook.tumblr.com/

Alright, well, that’s what’s been going on! I’m going to be spending all of this weekend doing accounting homework (I’m taking an accounting summer class for my Business minor) which won’t be fun. But aside from that I can honestly say for the first time in what seems like years that life has been going really well. :)

-Nikki

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I HAD SUCH A GOOD DAY, HOLY SHIT. It’s like, I wanted to do all these things, and I actually got off my ass and did them!!

  • Booked plane tickets to visit Jordan in COPENHAGEN AHHH
  • Sent an e-mail about summer classes that I needed to send out
  • WALKED EVERYWHERE
  • ATE YUMMY FOOD
  • SAW BEAUTIFUL, PRETTY SITES! Im in Rome btw. So I saw a lot of cool things
  • TOOK BEAUTIFUL, PRETTY PHOTOS
  • DREW???? 2 PIECES?? WHAT?? IM ON A ROLL
  • Legitimately randomly BUMPED INTO THIS GIRL I KNOW (ERIN) while walking down the street so we grabbed dinner together ahh that was so fun!!
  • AND ALSO GOOD WEATHER ALL DAY?

So yeah today kicked ass. To the point where I was literally singing while walking down the street. I quieted down though when other people were near LOL

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Dearest Blog,

I’m doing a lot better than I have in a long time. I’m doing pretty good, and it’s been a while since I’ve been pretty good. :)

All the best,

Nikki

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Dear Blog,

Summer’s ending soon. Today was my last day of work at my internship. I really hope this coming semester isn’t shitty.

I’m in a crap mood right now. Sad and stuff. You know the drill.

-Nikki

Friday, August 2, 2013

Dear Blog,

Life has been fine. I hung out with Zoe and Nick today which was fun. I’m going back to school soon—next semester will be an interesting one.

Had a good conversation with my good friend Jesse. Made me feel happy and good about things, especially breakup things, and it’s been a while since I’ve felt happy and good. So I’m thankful for that.

Today was a good day. :)

Best,
Nikki

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Dear Blog,

I saw a lot of my friends this weekend. It was so nice seeing all of them, and being around them and all that. Quite fine folks they are. I got very upset at a friend though, and I’m still pretty upset about it. To be honest, that kind of put a damper on my weekend. Really, truly infuriating stuff. Toxic people man. Don’t be around toxic people.

But yeah, I’ve been feeling especially sad today. Which isn’t saying much at all, because I’ve been sad quite a lot as of recent, as of these past few months, as of this past year, I have been sad a lot. Just a lot of sad haha.

Yeah, whatever. That’s not to say that I don’t have happy times too, and as the days go by, I feel less and less sad. So there’s that. But yeah, I do have a lot of happy times, and great friends, and shit everything would be a lot harder without them.

Best,

Nikki

Monday, July 15, 2013

Dear Blog,

Today was a weird one.

I was scheduled to go to my internship from 8am-5pm today. They needed me to go to a school in Staten Island and work with some kids. So like, important stuff, they needed me to go, wouldnt have anyone to substitute for me, that kind of thing. I woke up at 6am today and felt really nauseous and threw up right before I went to work, but I went to work anyway hoping that I’d feel better on the way there. But I didn’t, so I went to work, told them I threw up, and then came back home LOL.

I feel a bit better now after eating something and taking a nap, but now I’m really bored. It would’ve been fun being out of the house all day and helping out and working hard that kind of thing. Now I’m stuck on my couch doing nothing but missing my ex. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy keeping myself busy and being out of the house so much. When I’m doing nothing in this apartment my mind just wanders to sad, lonely thoughts and that kind of thing.

I had a good talk with my friend Jesse yesterday. He gave me some really, really good advice on breakups and that kind of thing. He’s a very reflective person and thus has intelligent/realistic thoughts when it comes to that stuff. I’m really thankful for that, and it’s nice knowing that I have someone to talk to about that stuff, especially since I’ve never done any of this before (this is my first breakup that is). Anyway, Jesse’s a really kind person, and I’m glad I have him as a friend :)

So, at least I’m not throwing up anymore, and I can spend the day working on art stuffs. I know that I should be going easy on my body right now and not do anything strenuous, but I know me and I know that i’m going to be bored as hell sitting on this couch all day haha.

All the best,
Nikki

Wednedsay, July 3, 2013

Dear Blog,

I had a good talk with a good friend and now feel a whole lot better. Like I said, this summer is going to be a good one for me. Lots of growing, lots of realizations, that sort of deal. Pretty painful, sure, but I think I’m doing a lot of growing up in a good way.

So yeah. Here’s to feeling pretty good. It’s real nice. :)

Nikki

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Dear Blog,

I’m sad.

Whenever I hang out with friends, or talk to people, I become less sad. I laugh, and I make jokes, and I act silly and talk about my worries like they aren’t as mind-plaguing as they really are. So I’m quite grateful for my friends, because they make things easier. But when I’m all alone with myself and my thoughts and am honestly looking at myself, especially when I’m trying to fall asleep or first thing when I wake up in the morning, I feel horrible. I know I’ve said this a lot in these entries but it’s really just this overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself, in hating who I’ve grown up to be, and why can’t I be stronger person? And also, of course being alone sucks, and feeling lonely, but I feel like I kind of deserve that. And idk, I feel like I can’t really talk to people about this because they’ll just tell me I’m wrong. That I’m a great person and that I don’t deserve sadness or pain but those people don’t know me like I know me. All of my friends who think I’m a happy ball of sunshine and a great friend and so kind to others don’t know me for who I really am like I know who I am. And idk I just can’t listen to all of those compliments trying to make me feel better when I know that these people don’t even know all there is to know about me.

Damn, yeah, I’m feeling shitty today. Do you think I’ll feel better in a week? In a month? I hope I do. I mean I think I will. Time has a tendency of doing that, of just making me feel better about things, and making things easier. So yeah. Here’s to the future, because I think just maybe in the future I won’t be as sad.

Best,

Nikki

Monday, June 24, 2013

Dear Blog,

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least.

Alec and I broke up a week and a half ago. There was a problem in our relationship we just couldn’t really get over no matter how hard we tried. In the end breaking up was the right thing to do, and we both knew it needed to happen. However, neither of us wanted to. We both certainly still have feelings for each other, and that makes it hard, and we do still plan on being close friends. But yeah, it was really sad. I was really sad. However, as the days go by, I get a little less sad each day. Eventually, after enough days, I think I’ll just stop being sad about it. But man, yeah, I miss him.

I visited Skidmore last weekend to see all of my beautiful friends, and good times were had. It was a really fun weekend. Interesting stuff happened. Oh goodness.

Oh goodness indeed.

This is a good summer for me. I’m doing a whole lot of self reflecting. I’m still not completely happy with who I’ve become, and still am pretty dissapointed with myself. However, by the end of the summer, I think I’ll grow a lot and start taking steps in the right direction.

Best,

Nikki

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Dear Blog,

I think one of the reasons I dislike summer vacation is because of all the down time. Since I have so much time to just do nothing and relax, I do a lot of thinking. I can’t help it really. It’s just a lot of time in which I step back from my life and think long and hard about myself, and everything I dislike about myself to be honest. During school everything is so fast paced I kind of just go with it.  But now that I’m at home I can look back at all of the choices and things I’ve done within the past year or two and shake my head at myself and wish I was a better person but not do anything actively to actually be a better person.

The reason I sound so sad and mopey in all of these texts post is because there’s no where else I can comfortably be sad and mopey. When I’m sad and mopey in conversation with people I just feel guilty and annoying, but at least when I write it down just for myself I feel like I’m not burdening anyone. My life isn’t as bad or sad as it would seem if someone where to only read all of these posts, its just mostly what I write about since I can’t talk about it anywhere else.

But man, I wish I was a better person. Nicer and more understanding and less vain and healthier and driven and emotionally and mentally stronger and braver etc etc

But no one wants to hear about that. I guess there have been happy things going on!

My internship is fun, it gives me something to do and it makes me feel accomplished. I’ve been seeing a lot of friends, and when I’m not with friends or working I’m at home playing league and skyping with friends, so that much is fun. Mom is not as bad as last summer. So this summer is definitely better than last.

Though I really wish Alec and I talked more. We’re quite horrible long distance and it’s definitely one of the reasons I get sad. 

Best,
Nikki

Monday, May 27, 2013

Dear Blog,

These past few days have sucked. My mom is an incredibly difficult person. I hate living with her. Days like these are reminders that I need to work really hard in life so that I can get a good job and earn enough money so that I can move out as soon as I can. Every week spent at home is a week that I’d rather be in my own apartment elsewhere away from Mom. My mom is really unpleasant. I don’t think she realizes how bad it is to be yelling as much as she does. Bad for her and bad the people that she lives with. I try not to think too hard about it, but it makes me feel really bad for my father, and I wish that they would get a divorce and find people who make them happier. Or mostly, I wish my Mom would just leave and start a new life where she will actually be happy instead of perpetually unsatisfied, though part of me thinks that no matter where my mom is she’ll be unhappy. My dad is absolutely perfect, and yet my mom still manages to not appreciate him and complain about him. Why do they live this life?

Best,

Nikki

Friday, May 24, 2013

Dear Blog,

I’ve developed a hobby in which I look at really expensive lingerie online and feel bad that I can’t by really expensive lingerie online. I just save cute bras and panty sets in my favorites and revisit them every so often.

I had a fine day today! It was really cold and windy today, and that sucked. I also spent quite a bit of money (I got a haircut today that cost 70 dollars) this weekend, and that doesn’t feel quite good. But I bought a nice sweater and high wasted shorts from h&m, and that felt kinda good! Also hung out with some friends this weekend. Had girly sleepover with Zoe and Gracen, in which I came to the realization that I am too gossipy in a bad way, and I should cut back on talking about dramatic gossipy things. We talked about sex and boyfriends and such during sleepover, and thus made me miss Alec, and oh goodness thinking about Alec makes me so happy and sad and nervous. We’re skyping tonight and that should be fun.

I’m drinking a good cup of tea right now :)

When am I going to pick up drawing again? I should do that. Really doe.

But yeah, fine day. I like my haircut! My bangs are a bit long, but I can cut those tomorrow.

Best,
Nikki

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Dear Blog,

So life hasn’t been half bad. I started filling up my vacation with lots of hanging out with friends, and my internships are beginning to start. And its been fun! Maybe summer vacation won’t be so bad.

I haven’t started my internship at the gallery yet, and I’m a little bit scared for it. It looks a little bit intimidating to be honest, but Ill try hard to get the hang of it. I hope I can handle it :|

I spent yesterday hanging out with frands in nyc. It was a lot of fun, and it made me realize how much I’ve missed them. BUHHHH

But I guess the most important thing to take away from this journal entry is that now that I’m keeping busy I think summer will be tolerable and maybe even a little nice. :)

Nikki

Monday, May 13, 2013

Dear Blog,

I have been on summer vacation for 2 days and I’m already bored out of my mind. There are things for me to do, like unpack. I still haven’t done that. I just don’t want to. I don’t have much fun here, like I don’t do a lot. I barely did anything today. I need to do stuff, like clean and exercise and draw, but all I do is sit on the couch all day, because I’m unmotivated to do anything else. I really miss my friends. I miss Alec. I miss being around other people and having fun with other people. I miss Alec, but I’m scared Alec probably doesn’t miss me, and that part kind of sucks. Man, I hate summer.

But alas! There is still hope. I go in for my first day of work for one of my internships tomorrow. I’m working in an art non-profit organization, so yay, I’ll finally have something to do. And then that day will be over, and it’ll be one day closer till summer vacation is over.

I sound really sad and mopey and depressed, but that’s because I am really sad and mopey and depressed. I need better hobbies.

Best,
Nikki

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY